I want my life back. That is what I told my physical therapist this morning when he told me I would be wearing the brace for at least 6 weeks and not the 4 weeks that I had been told originally. I want to be able to resume normal activities – walking, driving, showering, sleeping in my own bed, going up stairs. I want to sleep on my side and wear something besides leggings, and make a meal, and go to church, and . . and . . . and!
Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since surgery and 7½ weeks since injury. Honestly, the first 6 weeks I was just hunkered down with an “I can do this and it could be worse” attitude. There had been an amazing outpouring of meals, flowers, cards, and visits that made the firsts weeks post-surgery bearable. I definitely felt God’s presence and a powerful amount of prayer. But my focus was really on me and my ability to handle the curve ball that had been thrown at me. I was doing a lot of it in my own power.
Then I reached week 6. And crashed and burned.
It happened in the middle of the night as these things often do. I woke up at 3:33am needing to use the bathroom. I struggled into an upright position half asleep. I had to unbuckle my brace and buckle it back up because it shifts while I sleep. I tried several times to pull myself up to a standing position on one leg and could not get up. Every muscle in my body ached and I did not have the strength to stand on my one good leg. I finally got up, found my balance and crutched to the bathroom. Which is a difficult undertaking when you have to lift the brace & leg through the shower door and put it on the edge of the bath tub (while balancing on one leg) to even be able to use the toilet. So goes the joys of an old house and small bathroom.
I crutched back, collapsed on the bed, and felt sobs well up in me that hurt as they broke the surface. With everything that was in me I cried out to God over and over. And that cry went something like this, “I can’t do this anymore Lord. You have promised that your strength in made perfect in my weakness. I am weak Lord and I need your strength. Please Lord. Please. I need your strength to be made perfect in my weakness.” Over and over the same refrain until I cried myself back to sleep.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So today I am boasting about my weakness. It is God’s power resting in me that is going to get me through the next 6 weeks and entire 4 months of this process. I am at the end of Robin. I have no reserves left to make this happen, to hunker down and power through as I did the first 6 weeks. I am bone tired, frustrated, muscle sore and discouraged. Fortunately, the end of me is where God shines best.
Precious Father, Thank you for meeting me in the middle of the night in the middle of my need. Thank you that your grace is sufficient and that your power is made perfect in my weakness. Amen