One more week, another blank page. So much to say and not sure how to say it. Mind – racing a million miles a minute. Emotions – in turmoil. Wanting so badly to live the life transparent. Trying to find the line of what to share - what not to share. Desiring above all else to honor God with my words and actions.
Seeking earnestly after God. Digging into his Word. Looking for direction. Standing on a precipice – afraid to jump. To totally surrender every part of my life and who I am to God. To be willing to pray with all my heart, soul and mind, “God, I will do anything. Anything.” To release my safe, comfortable and happy life to a life that is instead surrendered, reckless and courageous.
This idea, these words come from Jennie Allen’s book “Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul.” This books pretty cover hides a powerful (and I hope life-changing for me) message within its pages. I have owned this book for a very long time and did not make the time or find the courage to read it. I sensed it would challenge me in ways that I was not ready for or comfortable with – and I was right.
What changed? The opportunity to slow down and think. To make time and space in my schedule for prayer and reflection. To finally stop living under the tyranny of an unexamined life. To turn and really look at my life – what people see on the outside (the illusion I strive so hard to create) and what is hidden on the inside (the good, the bad and the ugly).
I long with a startling intensity to be all that God intended for me to be. To use the gifts that He has given me for His glory and His kingdom. To help the hurting. To be God’s hands and feet in every way humanly possible. To allow God to use me in whatever way He chooses. However, whenever, wherever. To truly be willing to pray without reservation “God, I will do anything. Anything.”
Scary words for a woman who has spent the first half of her life striving with a strong will, set mind, and steely determination to attain safe, comfortable, happy. Instead of surrendered, reckless, and courageous for God. A hard place to be as I dig inside myself, inside God’s Word, and into the lives and writings of people who have lived a life surrendered to Christ.
So many moving pieces. So many questions. Committed to taking the time needed to figure this out. Learning patience as God gently leads me. Guarding fiercely the time that it will take to learn, to study, to pray, to listen for God’s voice and direction. Refusing – yes, flat out refusing – to fill the disquiet in my soul with the noise of schedules and distractions and activities (which I have done too often in the past).
Remembering instead what Elizabeth Elliott, a missionary, writer and speaker who lived a life surrendered to God said: “If with courage and joy we pour ourselves out for Him and for others for His sake, it is not possible to lose, in any final sense, anything worth keeping. We will lose ourselves and our selfishness. We will gain everything worth having.”