Letting Go

I am finding freedom and peace in surrender. That is a hard-earned statement. I am a detailed, goal-setting planner from way back who liked (as much as it was possible) to be in control, to be in the driver’s seat in every area of my life.

After much struggle, I have finally come to a place of total surrender to God. Surrender of myself and my plans, my children, my job and my house. They are not mine to begin with and I lost sight of that somewhere along the way. All that I am (my time, my talents, my uniqueness) and all that I have (a husband, children, a home) are gifts from God to be used for his purposes and for his glory.

The book Anything by Jennie Allen was a game-changer for me when I read it in March. It challenged me to a live a life framed by the following prayer, “I will do anything God. Anything - to serve you, to draw closer to you, to glorify you, to be used by you.”

60 days after praying that prayer I was retired from an 18-year career. 60 days after that a career opportunity opened for my husband in another city after 3 years of no new job opportunities in the company where he is currently employed. Some might call it coincidence. I call it the Almighty God at work in our lives.

Whether my husband interviews and gets the job or not, whether we move or stay here is not the point anymore. I think shining a light on an attachment too deep to my house and my things is more God’s purpose. As is pointing out the deep desire I have to stay in my comfort zone at all costs. Comfort does not give God much room to work and can keep me from all that God has planned for me.

I consider some of these realizations a God-given gift of aging. They are also a by-product of being an empty-nester with more time on my hands to slow down, read and reflect. At the ripe old age of 50 I have realized with startling clarity how much time I have wasted chasing after things that carry no weight for eternity – the approval of others, increased income, a beautiful home.

As I clean out the house we have lived in for 23 years I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we have accumulated. Stuff we no longer use but which will now be a blessing to others. The oppressive weight of our stuff is lifting week by week as I deliver carloads of items to a local charity. What a burden these things are to us and when we are gone, to our children. What an incredible relief there is in letting go – of our stuff, my plans and my control!

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you. Forgive me Father for wrong priorities and wasted years. Thank you for opening my eyes Lord. Less of me and more of you is my heart’s cry (John 3:30). Amen

The God Who Knows

How do you start your day? What does that look like for you? For me, it means starting as many days as possible in God’s Word and with prayer. This morning on the shore of Lake Nokomis I was reading Psalm 139 and it felt like God sat right down beside me and spoke to me through his Word.

It was if he put his arm around me and clearly said, “I’ve got this Robin. I can see the whole picture, trust me and just let go. Let go of your future and the futures of your husband and daughters. Let go of your ministry, your finances, your husband’s job and a possible move. Let go of the anxiety, and fear, and worry that binds you up and builds a wall between us.”

Psalm 139:1-5 says, “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.”

The NIV study notes for these verses say it this way – God, you know me perfectly, far beyond my knowledge of myself: my every action, my every undertaking and the manner in which I pursue it, even my thoughts before they are fully crystalized and my words before they are uttered.

Right now, when things feel beyond my control, I need to know that God is in control – that he knows me (far beyond the knowledge of myself). Verses 13-14 go on to say, “For you created me in my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” A needed reminder that his works are wonderful and that God has proved faithful time and time again.

Psalm 139 concludes with verses 23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Precious Father – When I call you answer me. Please make me bold and stouthearted. (Psalm 138:3). Thank you that your Word tells me that you will fulfill your purpose for me and that your love, O Lord, endures forever. (Psalm 138:8). Amen.


How Do You Define Yourself?

Not to overdramatize (although I realize that I am) – but it feels like God has taken away my children, my job and may soon be taking away my house – all in the space of a little over a year. In my head I know this is not true. In my heart, however, it feels that way.

Last fall both girls left home for college which is right and good and as it should be. If we parented correctly they should be moving away from home and toward independence at a rapid pace. I know that I will always be their mom and that they will always need me. But it is different. I am needed less. And frankly, “parenting” adult children is hard. Hard to find the balance and define my new role – how much is too much, how little is too little and how much is juuust right?

For the last 20 years I chose to define myself as a stay-at-home mom. Take away the kids and I became like a car that was trying to drive with only 3 wheels. So, I poured myself into my job and filled the empty places with work. A job that for 18 years had given me a great income, an opportunity to be around lots of people and for which I had enjoyed many perks and accolades.

Fast forward to May when both my husband and I felt a clear call for me to move towards seminary and ministry full time. Which meant quitting a job that paid well and which I had allowed to define me over the last 18 years. What am I left with? A 2-legged car wobbling along unsure of where it is going and how to get there.

Which leaves my last security blanket - our house of 23 years. The joke at our house is that my husband is just supposed to bury me in the back yard under the petunias when I pass because after many years and many renovations our home is finally just the way we like it. In many ways I have allowed my house to define me which is neither healthy, nor good, nor right. We came here and raised our daughters here and is it feels like a living, breathing part of our family.

In today’s job market we may just need to leave our house behind if God opens the door to the right career opportunity in another city.  Which leaves me with a car analogy that has run out of gas. Left with one wheel on the side of the road going nowhere.

But what if, WHAT IF I allow God to turn that one wheeled, broken down car into a unicycle that can carry me on to untold blessings, challenges and adventures.  What if I move forward, older & wiser, realizing that at different points and in different ways I have allowed my family, my job, and my house to matter too much and my relationship with God – not enough.

What if I let go of my pride in my family, my abilities and my material things and truly realize (deep down, where it matters) that none of these are mine anyway and that all of them in every way belong to God. And what if I moved forward from here with a life completely surrendered to God, hands unclenched and open, praying with all that I have and all that I am “I will do anything Lord. Anything.”


Due Diligence

Time is one of our most precious commodities. Before we spend some of that time to read a book, watch a movie, or spend time in front of the television we need to do due diligence.

“Due Diligence” is most often used in a law or business setting. Merriam-Webster’s definition for law: the care that a reasonable person exercises to avoid harm to other persons or their property.  The definition for business: research and analysis of a company or organization done in preparation for a business transaction.

I think we should do nothing less than due diligence on the things with which we choose to fill our minds. Let me give you an example of this in regards to a book I am currently reading that attempts to put God and Old Testament violence in perspective. Recommended by a friend of a friend, I did some basic research online before I made the purchase. I read the reviews and read the author bio. Both of which sent up a few red flags but not enough to stop the purchase.

Whenever I read a book that is someone else’s opinion/interpretation of the Bible or God I pray over it. Asking God for wisdom, discernment and that no false teachings would take root. After reading the first chapter I did more research and talked to someone who has taught Bible classes at the college level. Which sent up yet more red flags. Which brought me to a morning of online research on this author, his beliefs and the whole controversy surrounding his teachings.

On information overload (and with a pounding headache) I reached out to my oldest daughter over text. As a senior biblical archaeology major she has taken a lot of classes on hermeneutics (biblical interpretation) and the Ancient Near East. Her response felt like it was God himself speaking directly to me. Our text conversation with her permission:

Her: Fair enough. The Old Testament can be quite disturbing at times. Though I’ve found cultural context and the chorus of scripture deeply helpful to that question personally.

Me: Define “chorus of scripture.” Do you mean looking at the whole Bible together?

Her: Yes. And noticing all the times in the New Testament where God is “harsh” and all the times in the Old Testament where God is deeply loving and/or grieved by sin. Not to say that I totally get it, just that those are the things that have helped me on the question.

This little conversation over text with my daughter flooded my eyes with tears and heart with peace. I felt like it put my feet solidly back on firm ground. In the end I need to run back to God with my questions, fears and doubts. I need to dig deep into his Word and study the Bible with the Holly Spirit as my guide. And before I choose to invest my time and resources into a book by someone doing all of this for me I need to do due diligence.

Precious Father – Thank you that all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. (2 Timothy 3:16). Please grant me wisdom and discernment and my no false teachings take root. Amen

Reaching Out to Others

When I was growing up I had an Edna Mae. She was an older woman who was invested in my life from the time I was very young until she passed away several years ago. She was a widow in our church that my parents had invited to share a meal with us occasionally after services. She was the woman who thought I could do no wrong, helped me get ready for prom (she only had sons), and was the personal attendant at my wedding.

We are not from Minnesota originally and had no family in the area when we started our family 21 years ago. Pretty much from birth we began to pray that God would bring an “Edna Mae” into our daughter’s life. That prayer was answered with a next-door neighbor who became family to us and to our 2 girls. It started with the occasional wave or short conversations when we happened to be outside at the same time.

Things progressed after a couple of years when we were unable to find a sitter for our newborn daughter for a weekly couples Bible Study. Feeling we had nothing to lose, we asked the neighbor to consider babysitting for a couple of hours once a week. She said she would try it for a month and never stopped – not even when the younger sister came along 2 years later.

Since she would not accept payment for the time she spent with “her girls” we found other ways to repay her. Removing a tree, cleaning her gutters, doing snow removal, repairing her steps and so on. When our daughters became too old to need a sitter she scheduled time alone with them each month all the way through high school. She has shared many a meal with our family over the years and attended every birthday party, choir concert, graduation and special event in our daughter’s lives over the last 21 years. She is, quite simply, family and it all started with a friendly smile and wave.

Looking around you who are the people and where are the places that you can extend the gift of hospitality? Not the pinterest, Martha Stewart over-the-top kind - although there is nothing wrong with that if it is done with right motives – blessing others and not seeking to impress others, making it about them and not about you.

I am speaking more along the lines of including others at the lunch table, inviting people into your home (mess and all), reaching out to people in need, and striving to bless others with your time and undivided attention. To practice Biblical hospitality which ultimately means to honor and obey God by serving those around us.

The Bible has a lot to say about hospitality. A few examples - Hebrews 13:2 says, “Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unaware.” 1 Peter 4:9 tells us to show hospitality to one another without grumbling. And Romans 12:13 exhorts us to contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Ask God today to show you who is need of hospitality around you and how you can meet that need.

Marriage . . . After 25 Years

I was unable to write this blog last week because I was celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary with my husband. Over the last 3 years I have hesitated to write much about marriage since I  am far from an expert. However, in looking back, there are some things that have worked for us that you may find useful as well.

Surround yourself with like-minded people. We were a part of an engaged group, then newly married group, then a young families group at our church for the first 10 years of our married life. Older more experienced couples led, mentored and taught these groups. What we learned, what was modeled for us, and the accountability within these groups was invaluable.

Have friends who support you, your marriage and your spouse. Strive whenever possible to look for the positive in your spouse and share the positive about your spouse to the people around you. We should be their biggest fan not their biggest critic! Invest in friends who will encourage you to stay when the going gets tough and not help you create an exit plan.

Put God first, your spouse second and your children third. I believe that these are the priorities God wants for us. Loving, knowing and serving my Savior should be the most important thing in my life. I hope (God willing) to enjoy at least 50 years with my husband. We will raise our kids for 20. Putting my children before my husband does a disservice to everyone involved.

We need to leave and cleave. We spent our first 3 years of marriage in Los Angeles. This was many states and two time-zones away from our family of origin. Extended family is important, but my first priority needs to be to the family I have created with my husband.

Date your spouse. Regularly at every age and stage. Whether you have children or not. Go for a walk, have a coffee date, swap childcare, try something new together. It doesn’t have to cost much but it does need to occur on a regular basis.

Keep common interests. In the beginning you had a common interest that drew you together – church, school, a job, sport or hobby. As time passes those interests may diverge. The key is in finding and sharing new interests together.

Invite God into your marriage bed. Seriously. God designed sex as a gift intended for one man and one women within the bounds of marriage. When things are not going as they should or as you hope in this area pray about it. Discuss it with your spouse. Seek Christian resources.

And last, but not least, decide together that divorce is not an option. Do not even entertain the thought. Commit to working through the tough stuff. Seek professional Christian counseling as needed. Ask trusted friends and family to pray for healing if that is what your marriage needs.

Please know that I have outlined sweeping generalities about things that have worked for us, for our specific marriage and relationship. I know that some of what I have shared will not hold true for you and that you may disagree with some of what I have written. In the end, please know that God is for marriage and that He will partner with you to provide whatever your marriage needs.  

Precious Father – thank you for the gift of marriage. May you be the center of our homes. Please strengthen and protect us Lord as we strive to build marriages that are holy and pleasing in your sight. Amen.



Surrender Can Be a Process

I wanted to feel peace before making my life-changing decision to retire. I wanted, needed, am wired for a clear step-by-step plan to know what is coming next and how to get from point A to point B. I longed for it, earnestly sought it, prayed for it, and asked many others to pray for it as well.  I did not receive the peace or the clearly defined path that I felt I needed before I could make the decision to retire.

Eventually I changed the focus of my prayers. For weeks I put the following prayer request on our church prayer list, “Please pray that we would trust God with our finances and our careers.” Because when I really looked at what was holding me back from total surrender I realized that, for me, part of it was a trust issue.

Could we make it on one paycheck? Still help the girls with their tuition? Attend family weddings in Florida and Georgia this summer and so on? Would I regret walking away from a great income and the perks that went with it (free cars, free trips, etc)? I needed to take my eyes off of my fears and put them on my Savior. I needed a laser focus on who God is and what His Word says. I needed to focus on what was truly important – God and his plans and purposes – not mine.

I copied James 1:5 into my planner each week, “If any of you lacks wisdom. He should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” I realized I lacked wisdom regarding God’s call on my life and the changes I would be making if I were to retire.

As I started to move towards total surrender I was deluged with doubts and fears surrounding the decision I was about to make. Which meant writing 2 Corinthians 10:5 for a while and saying it to myself over and over (substituting the we for I), “I demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and I take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.”

As the feelings ebbed and flowed, I repeated (and still do repeat) Proverbs 3:5-6 to myself, “Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge him and he will direct my paths.”

And finally, when I knew internally that I was finally ready to surrender, to truly pray “I will do anything God, anything,” to trust God completely, my weekly planner verse changed to Psalm 46:5, “God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”

The peace I longed for in the decision-making process, that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I did receive it – but only after the decision was final. It came as an overwhelming, God-given peace. I felt a lightening of my spirit as I finally leaned in to and answered God’s call to leave my career of 18 years and pursue ministry full time.

The clear step-by-step plan – still waiting for that one. I’ve come to realize that God in his infinite wisdom may choose not to give it to me. I do not know what the future holds or what shape or time line my “full time” ministry will take. But I trust in the God who holds my future.  

Trusting God = Retirement For Me

After 18 years in my current career I am retiring on Friday. I have mixed feelings about this. Joy and excitement as I look ahead to what’s next and strive to answer God’s call on my life. Fear and anxiety as I walk away from a growing business and good income with 2 daughters still in college.

On paper, this does not make sense. Logically, the timing feels like it could not be worse. But in my heart, mind and soul we (my husband and I) know this is what God is clearly calling me to do. So, I am gathering up all of my courage (it is taking a lot!), being obedient and stepping out in faith. Trusting that God will provide, trusting Him with our finances, trusting Him with my time, talents, and resources.

The response from family and friends has been overwhelmingly positive, encouraging and supportive. It helps – TREMENDOUSLY – especially on days when I cannot see the path in front of me and begin to doubt or second-guess the decision. It helps when unexpected expenses (new tires, car repair, broken air conditioner) keep popping up and my last paycheck looms near. It helps when I feel overwhelmed with all the details involved in shutting my business down after 18 years.

This day, this retirement, has been 3 years in the making. Although I have been a Bible Study leader, speaker and writer for over 20 years, it has only been since 2015 that I felt the call to full-time ministry. Sometimes God’s call on my life clanged powerfully in my soul and sometimes it was a distant whisper I barely heard, crowded out by a busy schedule and a paralyzing fear of the unknown.

Until one day this spring when we went to a different church to hear one of our daughter’s sing while on tour with her college vocal group. The sermon was “Trusting God with Your Money.” Sitting in the same sermon with my husband I heard “be more disciplined with your tithing.” What my husband heard was “you need an accelerated exit plan for your wife from her current career, so she can pursue ministry full time.” Ever have that experience – where you are listening to the same speaker and hear two totally different things?

An accelerated exit plan means that 60 days later I am retiring to write the book God has placed on my heart, to pursue more speaking opportunities, to hopefully start seminary in the fall, to be open and willing to be used wherever and in whatever way God decides. And yes, to be willing to finally say, “I will do anything Lord. Anything.”

I want to close with something that Lysa TerKeurst, a Christian writer & speaker I particularly enjoy, posted today because it seems fitting:

“What are you having to trust God with right now? Remember . . .

One day at a time. We can’t let fears or worries steal our joy for today.

One prayer at a time. We can’t forget the source for all wisdom, perspective and peace is but a prayer away.

One step of faith at a time. If I am going to call myself a woman of faith, I’m going to have to be willing to live a life that actually requires a little bit of faith.”

Today, dear friend loved by God, I am praying that you move forward one day, one prayer and one step of faith at a time.

Choose Your Movies Wisely

I have always been someone who loves a good movie. And yes, I still like to see it in my local movie theater where I can share the experience with other people who may laugh out loud, shed a tear or applaud the hero’s final triumph with me.

I pay attention to what movies are coming out when and which movies feature a favorite actor. Which is why I was excited about the release of the new movie “Book Club” this Friday.   I like books and the cast and was excited about a movie featuring strong, older female characters, their friendships, and their interactions. That is, until I watched some video clips and read several reviews.

The synopsis for the movie is as follows - “Four lifelong friends have their lives changed forever after reading 50 Shades of Grey in their monthly book club.” What a sad statement on our current culture, our sex lives, and on older women!  

Let’s be clear here – the whole 50 Shades franchise is about BDSM. BDSM is an overlapping abbreviation used for bondage and discipline, (BD), dominance and submission (DS), sadism and masochism (SM). Borrowing from the Merriam Webster Dictionary, “Bondage and discipline consist of using physical and psychological restraints, domination and submission involve an exchange of power and control, and sadism and masochism refer to taking pleasure in others’ or one’s own pain or humiliation.” Really think about that definition and what is involved in practicing BDSM.

Pornography (which 50 Shades clearly is) separates us from the person emotionally and makes it about the sexual act. Dr. Juli Slattery & Dannah Gresh in their book, Pulling Back the Shades, say it this way, “Erotica like 50 Shades of Grey is aimed at awakening your physical sexual desire without any connection to emotional, relational or spiritual reality – whatever emotional and sexual response these novels create in you, they are disconnected from your love relationships and your longing to know and honor God.”

I want to encourage you to take a pass on the "Book Club" movie. The four friends cover all the bases with a woman who is widowed, one who is single, another who is divorced and one who is married. According to one website “the lives of these four friends are turned upside down after reading the infamous 50 Shades of Grey, catapulting them into a series of outrageous life choices."

Instead, if you are married or in a dating relationship, have an old-fashioned date night with your special someone this Friday. Hold hands, take a walk around the lake, sit under a moonlit night and take time to really communicate and connect. It will be a much better use of your time!

Precious Father – Thank you that you have created us for intimacy. May we strive for and seek after your best plan for us and for our relationships. Please grant us wise and discerning hearts in what we read and what we watch. Amen.

Think On Such Things

I have sat down several times today to write my blog. Each time I have stared at the blank screen and blinking cursor and drawn a complete blank. I did manage to start a couple of posts that went nowhere fast. The phrase that kept coming to mind was “think on such things.” This phrase is found at the end of the NIV translation of Philippians 4:8.

Philippians is a New Testament book written by the apostle Paul to the church in Philippi while he was under house arrest in Rome. When I went to look up Philippians 4:8 I realized I really needed to grab the surrounding verses as well. In a section subtitled “Final Exhortations” Philippians 4:4-9 says:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

These are powerful verses that speak for themselves. Take time to read them slowly to yourself and out loud. Pause at the end of each sentence and really think about what you just read. Grab a study Bible and read the study notes for some additional insight. Use a website like www.biblehub.com to see other translations of the same verse as well as other verses that follow the same theme.

I could spend an entire blog discussing just one of the sentences or verses in this passage. But for today, what I mostly feel, is just the need to share them. Please post in the comments which part of Philippians 4:4-9 speaks to you the most today.

Precious Father – Thank you that your Word is living and active. Guide us in your truth and teach us for you are God our Father and our hope is in you all day long. Please open our eyes Lord that we may see wonderful things in your Word. Amen.

Tempted . . . and Failed

I do NOT want to write this post. So, God, if we are going to do this and go “there” then this one is really up to you! I messed up and I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. And I really do not want anyone to know. God, apparently has other plans. Which may be why He named my ministry “Living the Life Transparent.”

In October of 2013 God brought me out of a 5-year addiction to pornography. Although I have been tempted many times in the last 4 ½ years I have not given into the desire to use pornography. Until Sunday night. I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was to write that last sentence or how badly my using porn again scared me.

Yes, once again I am worrying about what people will think. Not my husband – although he is the one most directly affected by my addiction. Whenever I consume pornography I set my husband up for failure as I compare him to the unrealistic fantasies portrayed in the porn. No man can live up to that because it is not real. I am also being stimulated by something other than him which is a disservice to both of us and to our marriage bed. This is why I needed to confess my use of porn to him the next morning and asked for forgiveness which he gave.

Scientific studies have shown that the same part of the brain that lights up for alcoholics and drug abusers lights up for those addicted to porn. A recovering alcoholic cannot have just one drink. And as a recovering porn addict I cannot read just a little pornography. And yes, I need to truly understand that I will be a recovering porn addict for the remainder of my life. Not a “recovered porn addict” as my pride would have me believe.

Different people have different triggers. Part of the battle is in realizing what our triggers are and steering clear of them. When I did my first purge of materials from our house in October of 2013 I kept some of my favorite books both in hard copy and as electronic files on my e-reader. I knew them so well, had read them so many times, that I knew I could skip over the explicit parts that I should not be reading. Which I did for the last 4 ½ years . . . until Sunday night. Among other issues pride blinded me to the danger. I really believed I was over my addiction and could handle it. I was wrong.

So where does this leave me as a Christian who was tempted and failed? On my knees repenting and confessing my sin to God, asking for forgiveness, and receiving it from a loving and gracious God. Digging into His Word for comfort, for strength, and for guidance.  Getting up, dusting myself off and moving forward. Forgiving myself.

Humbled, realizing I cannot do this in my own power. Knowing (once again) that I need to care less about what other people think of me and more about pleasing my Savior and being obedient even when it is uncomfortable (writing this blog). And last, but not least, getting rid of every last electronic or physical copy of material that could trip me up in the future.

Precious Father – Thank you that no temptation has seized us except that which is common to man. Thank you that you are faithful and that you will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. Thank you that when we are tempted you provide a way out for us so that we can endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13) Amen.

Your One Wild & Precious Life

I have written on this before, but I want to ask again, what are you doing with your one precious life that God has given you? I think this is an important question to ask – especially as we pass from one life stage or major event to another. High school to college, single to married, unemployed to employed, no kids to having kids. You get the idea.

I can tell you that for much of the last 25 years my primary focus in life was my family. Marrying my husband, starting a family, raising our two daughters together. Much of what I did and the places where I served centered around them whether in the local church, school or community. Many of the friendships that were developed during those years came out of these choices connected to our daughters as well.

As someone who became an empty nester for the first time, last fall, it is a question I am asking myself right now. The empty nest is a new life stage that has been harder than I expected. It is one that quite suddenly freed up my schedule and my time in ways I could not have foreseen. I want to be deliberate in the choices I make, the activities I choose and the places where I serve. I don’t want to allow just anything to fill up those newly emptied hours and places.

Part of what started me thinking about this again was a verse I came across yesterday in my reading. Psalm 62:11-12 says, “One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.” It was this last part that caught my attention and made me want to take the time to dig a little deeper.

My study notes referred to the following verses – Jeremiah 17:10 and Jeremiah 32:19. The first verse says, “I, the Lord, search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to what his deeds deserve.” Jeremiah 32:19 goes on to say, “Great are your purposes and mighty are your deeds. Your eyes are open to all the ways of men; you reward everyone according to his conduct and as his deeds deserve.”

And finally, the study notes for those two verses pointed me to these final two verses. 1 Corinthians 3:8 which says, “The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor.” And Ephesians 6:7-8 which tells us, “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, for you know the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does . . .”

Clearly, what we do and how we spend our time matters. Which has me asking again the question that Pulitzer Prize-winning Poet Mary Oliver asks in one of her poems, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Ask for Wisdom

The dictionary defines wisdom as the ability to think and act using knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense and insight. Wisdom is something that seems to be sadly lacking in our world right now. I used to think wisdom was a by-product of age and experience. I did not understand that it was mine for the asking or that the best way to gain wisdom was to immerse myself in God’s Word.

James 1:5 tells us, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to you.” In Daniel 2:23 we see that this was Daniel’s experience. “I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors. You have given me wisdom and power, you have made known to me what we asked of you.” Daniel asked for wisdom and he received it from God.

Fortunately, the Bible has a lot to say about wisdom throughout its pages. It also gives us a lot of examples of biblical characters who made wise and not so wise choices.

One such example is the story of Abigail, Nabal’s wife. Where Abigail is wise her husband is foolish. Her words and actions save her household and eventually lead her to a position as the wife of the future King David. You can read more of this story in 1 Samuel, chapter 25. It is an excellent snap shot of what can happen when someone makes wise choices and the consequences that can occur when someone makes unwise choices.

The book of Proverbs is a great place to start when you are seeking wisdom. Proverbs 2:6 says, “For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” Verses 9-11 go on to say, “Then you will understand what is right and just and fair – every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you and understanding will guard you.” Stop and really think about that. I want wisdom to enter my heart. I want knowledge to be pleasant to my soul. And I definitely want discretion to protect me and understanding to guard me.

To highlight a few other verses: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 9:10

How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver! Proverbs 16:16

All this comes from the Lord Almighty, whose plan is wonderful, whose wisdom is magnificent. Isaiah 28:29.

To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his. Job 12:13

Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom . . . Colossians 3:16

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. James 3:17

Lord, may we ask for wisdom with a sincere and humble heart. May we seek the wisdom of your Word and your council in all that we do. Amen.

What Does Surrender Look Like?

One more week, another blank page. So much to say and not sure how to say it. Mind – racing a million miles a minute. Emotions – in turmoil. Wanting so badly to live the life transparent. Trying to find the line of what to share - what not to share. Desiring above all else to honor God with my words and actions.

Seeking earnestly after God. Digging into his Word. Looking for direction. Standing on a precipice – afraid to jump. To totally surrender every part of my life and who I am to God. To be willing to pray with all my heart, soul and mind, “God, I will do anything. Anything.” To release my safe, comfortable and happy life to a life that is instead surrendered, reckless and courageous.

This idea, these words come from Jennie Allen’s book “Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul.” This books pretty cover hides a powerful (and I hope life-changing for me) message within its pages. I have owned this book for a very long time and did not make the time or find the courage to read it. I sensed it would challenge me in ways that I was not ready for or comfortable with – and I was right.

What changed? The opportunity to slow down and think. To make time and space in my schedule for prayer and reflection. To finally stop living under the tyranny of an unexamined life. To turn and really look at my life – what people see on the outside (the illusion I strive so hard to create) and what is hidden on the inside (the good, the bad and the ugly).

I long with a startling intensity to be all that God intended for me to be. To use the gifts that He has given me for His glory and His kingdom. To help the hurting. To be God’s hands and feet in every way humanly possible. To allow God to use me in whatever way He chooses. However, whenever, wherever. To truly be willing to pray without reservation “God, I will do anything. Anything.”

Scary words for a woman who has spent the first half of her life striving with a strong will, set mind, and steely determination to attain safe, comfortable, happy. Instead of surrendered, reckless, and courageous for God. A hard place to be as I dig inside myself, inside God’s Word, and into the lives and writings of people who have lived a life surrendered to Christ.

So many moving pieces. So many questions. Committed to taking the time needed to figure this out. Learning patience as God gently leads me. Guarding fiercely the time that it will take to learn, to study, to pray, to listen for God’s voice and direction. Refusing – yes, flat out refusing – to fill the disquiet in my soul with the noise of schedules and distractions and activities (which I have done too often in the past).

Remembering instead what Elizabeth Elliott, a missionary, writer and speaker who lived a life surrendered to God said: “If with courage and joy we pour ourselves out for Him and for others for His sake, it is not possible to lose, in any final sense, anything worth keeping. We will lose ourselves and our selfishness. We will gain everything worth having.” 

He is a Just God

All we have to do is open the paper, turn on the television, log onto Facebook or check the notifications on our phone to realize that we live in a broken and fallen world. 

Today I want to give us a much needed reminder that God’s justice will prevail. That in the end God wins and Satan loses. That there will be eternal consequences to the choices we make and the harm that we do to others. That every single one of us will stand before the judgment seat of God and be judged for our actions here on earth.

In my current state of “stirred up” I need to seek my answers directly from God’s Word and not from the opinions of others – either written or spoken. I need to have an intimate and prolonged conversation with my Heavenly Father. I need to rest in Him knowing that He is in control.

Scripture tells us:

He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he - Deuteronomy 32:4.

The Lord reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distant shores rejoice. Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne – Psalm 97:1-2.

God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne - Psalm 47:8.

Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you – Psalm 89:14.

God is a righteous judge, and a God who feels indignation every day. Psalm 71:11.

God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you . . . - 2 Thessalonians 1:6.

And the heavens declare his righteousness, for he is a God of justice – Psalm 50:6.

All of us have already or will one day face situations that are unfair. Where justice seems a mirage and we are left struggling, unable to see the bigger picture at work.

In the book The Real God, Chip Ingram sums up the justice of God this way, “The heart of the concept of judgment is this: everyone will get what he or she deserves. God is a righteous judge, and though the world is not fair, God is.”

Precious Father – Please be with those today who long for justice and have yet to see it. Strengthen them. Uphold them in your righteous right hand. Help them to put their trust in and find their rest in you Lord Jesus. Help us to be part of the solution and not part of the problem in our fallen world. Amen.



Reflections on Turning 50

I turn 50 this week. And can I just say I am running at it with everything I have. Reveling in the fact that I am older and hopefully wiser! Celebrating by doing 50 things I have never done before in this year that I turn 50. Comfortable in my own skin. Excited to see what the next 50 years bring – God willing!

As a younger woman I was not a fan of the Proverbs 31 woman. She seemed too perfect and set a standard which I felt sadly equipped to meet. Now as a middle-aged woman (and no, I am not afraid to use that label – if God blesses me with a 100 years on this earth then at 50 I am middle aged) I see her in a different light and am claiming Proverbs 31:25–26 as my life verse for the second half of my life.

These verses say, “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” I want all of this as I look back and press forward – strength, dignity, wisdom and the opportunity to give faithful instruction when asked. This is a goal to which I strive and to which God calls me.

Titus 2:3-5 says, “Likewise, teach older women to be reverent in they way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”

Powerful words that take multiple generations working together to complete. I have longed for a mentor for most of my adult life and have not had the opportunity. When I became of aware of the fact that I should be mentoring someone younger than I am while being mentored by someone older than I am I felt inadequate and ill-equipped to do so.  I felt like I needed to have all the answers, so I could share them with someone else. Instead of understanding that we could find the answers together and trusting that God and his Word would supply what we needed in the relationship.

In an ideal world what does this look like? High schoolers coming alongside middle schoolers. College attenders coming alongside those still in high school. Young adults out of college coming alongside those still in college. More established marrieds coming alongside newly marrieds. Parents with more experience coming alongside those with less. And so on (you get the idea). What if we looked to God, his Word, and the people ahead of us on the path for answers instead of Google, Facebook, Pinterest and our peers? I think the end result would be a more connected church and society, a better understanding and appreciation of other generations, and stronger marriages and families.

So, as I sit in the middle I will pray for God to bring people into my life that have a desire to enter into this kind of relationship with me – older and younger – doing life together as we strive to be all that God has created us to be.

In the meantime, I am embracing each gray hair that grows (Proverbs 16:31 Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is obtained by following a righteous path), fighting every wrinkle and buying multiple pairs of really cute readers!

An Unquenchable Thirst

As I approach my 50th birthday in March my only regret is that I have not spent more time studying, reading and praying God’s Word. For years I would be frustrated with my seeming inability to make this happen.

Each new year I would sharpen my pencil, find a spot, buy a book and set a goal that would quickly fade in the frozen days of February. I would earnestly pray, “God please give me an unquenchable thirst for your Word.” This prayer seemed unanswered for years. Discouraged, I would quit praying this prayer for a while and then, eventually, start the whole cycle all over again.

The irony in all this is that for much of my adult life (the last 25 or so years) I have been involved in Bible Study consistently - first as a participant and then as a leader. This has been a great experience filled with great books/studies and amazing women with whom I have found friendship, accountability and support.

But too often these studies were someone else’s opinion/interpretation of what they thought the Bible said. It made my study of the Bible disjointed as we jumped from book to book and story to story pulling a verse here and a chapter there.

There are lots of great resources and lots of great authors/scholars that can to add to our study of the Bible. But, in addition, we need to make sure that we are digging into the Bible ourselves on a daily basis as well.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us, “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” How can I be thoroughly equipped for every good work if I am not reading and studying scripture?

The turning point for me 3 years ago was getting rid of all the study guides and devotionals and just focusing on the Bible. I had to literally go from my bed in the morning directly to the desk where I study to make it happen each day. If I check my phone or get on email it is not going to happen as the day’s demands crowd my meeting with God away.

I can tell you that without exception, the days when that happens, I feel the loss of not starting the day with God and it colors everything that happens afterwards. I can also tell you that it was not until I started reading his Word each day that I developed the “unquenchable thirst” for his Word that I prayed for off and on for years.

I started by reading a Psalm and a Proverb each day. I used an NIV Study Bible and a blank notebook to write down verses, thoughts and information from the study notes. From there I moved through the New Testament and then the Old Testament.

I start each day (and am going to end this blog) by praying scripture before I read my Bible. I desire to do your will, O my God; help me to place your law within my heart. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Cause me to understand the way of your precepts, that I may meditate on your wonderful deeds. Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law. Amen. Psalm 40:8, Psalm 25:5, Psalm 119:27, Psalm 119:18

In a Crazy, Mixed Up World - Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Another week of headlines that makes me want to turn off the television, close the newspaper, stay off of social media and ignore the newsfeed on my computer. I can’t imagine the despair, anger and cynicism of someone whose hope does not rest in Jesus right now.

It seems to me, that when you drill it all down, it comes down to the fact that we are a fallen people and God created us with free will. Guns, by themselves, do not kill people. The person who pulls the trigger makes that choice. Cars do not kill people. The person who is drunk behind the wheel does. I do not want to start a gun control debate here. I am simply saying that evil is real and because God loves us and wants us to choose to be in relationship with him he gave us free will.

In Matthew 22:37-38 Jesus said - " You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself." Loving God with every part of our being is an important step in the right direction. We need to be the hands and feet of God; reaching out and building relationships with the people in our neighborhoods, workplace and schools. 

Part of our relationship with God and with others develops out of how we see ourselves. Loving your neighbor as yourself sounds pretty straight forward until you realize how many people today do not, in fact, love themselves. This makes it pretty difficult, if not impossible, to follow God’s command in the way it was intended.

I don’t know where you fall on the spectrum of loving yourself. At one end is total self-loathing. At the other end a healthy appreciation, acceptance and peace about who God created you to be. Regardless of where you fall in the spectrum, I need to pause here for a minute to say that you are worthy of love from others and from yourself. God did not make a mistake when he created you. Dear sister (and brother) loved by God, please hear this - you matter!

Scripture points out some pretty amazing things about you. You are created in God’s image – Genesis 1:27 * He knit you together in your mother’s womb – Psalm 139:13 * You are fearfully & wonderfully made – Psalm 139:14 * You were skillfully wrought – Psalm 139:15 * His thoughts of you are more in number than the sand – Psalm 139:18 * You are engraved on the palm of God’s hand - Isaiah 49:16 * Every hair on your head is numbered - Matthew 10:30.

The solution to the mess we are in starts with loving God and then with loving ourselves so we can love others. We are not born with prejudice. It is a learned behavior. We need to ask God to search our heart and help us to see who we really are and where our prejudices lie.

 Please join me in praying Psalm 139:23-24 - Search me, oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Amen. 

50 Shades Freed - Seriously?!

The following blog was posted last year around this time - and what I wrote still holds true. With the release of the third and final movie this week, 50 Shades Freed, it seems important to post it again. As a woman recovering from a pornography addiction I am concerned about a movie like 50 Shades Darker.  It is being released just before Valentine’s Day – billed as a romance – and promoted as the perfect date night. In reality, it is far from a romance, but is instead a graphic, sexually explicit movie about a modern-day sadomasochistic relationship.

Sadomasochism is defined as sexual activity, in which one person enjoys inflicting physical or mental suffering on another person, who derives pleasure from experiencing pain. Where, exactly, is the romance in that?

In researching the movie, the first movie trailer clip that loaded had this headline: Don’t Watch This 50 Shades Darker Clip with Your Parents (Obviously).Like the first movie, 50 Shades of Grey, this one barely missed an NC-17 rating which would have kept children under 18 out of the theater.

The MPAA rated it “R” instead for “strong erotic sexual content, some graphic nudity and language.”  This movie franchise has pushed the envelope in your neighborhood theater and expanded what is now considered acceptable under an “R” rating.

On the first page of a basic Google search I also came to: Speed Read: 12 Naughty Bits for 50 Shades Darker. The one-line description for that link said NSFW. Having not seen that acronym before I looked up the definition: NSFW is a warning for an email subject line. It means ‘not safe for work’ or ‘not safe to be viewed at work.’ It is used to warn the recipient to not open the message at the office or near young children, because the message contains sexual or repulsive content.

I could continue to give statistics and information on the movie that has already been released and the one that is soon to be released. I could back it up with more statistics on the staggering number of men, and now women, addicted to pornography. I could tell you that the 50 Shades franchise has normalized pornography use for women in the same way that the internet did for men.

Instead, I am going to tell you that my addiction to pornography damaged my self-worth, my self-image, my marriage, my relationships with the people around me, and my relationship with my God. It filled me with self-loathing and poisoned every area of my life.

I sanitized it for years with words like erotica and mommy porn. The reality is that pornography awakens our physical sexual desires but separates us from any kind of emotional or relational connection. Porn makes it about the sexual act and not about the other person who is involved.

OK, transparency time. (Like admitting to a porn addiction is not transparent enough!) It has taken most of my day to write this blog. I have sweated and researched and written and re-written and cried (tears and out loud to God).

I have worried that I have gone too far. Then worried that I have not gone far enough in the words I have shared today. I have worried about what other people would think. And yes, I have been tempted to watch the movie clips and read the 12 Naughty Bits excerpt.

My past feels like a thorn in my side today that I may have until the day I die. But I have prayed earnestly.  And claimed scripture wholeheartedly. And persevered in this task because God was faithful to me. And He will be faithful to you if this is an area in which you struggle or in which you are tempted. He delivered me and He can deliver you.

Precious Father – Today I choose to praise you for the hard stuff that draws me to you. I choose to praise you for a temptation that continues to haunt me and keep me humble. Thank you that your grace is sufficient for me. Lord, may your power be made perfect in my weakness. Amen. 

#MeToo From a Christian's Perspective

I am who I am today because I am a survivor of sexual abuse and rape. I am also (and more importantly) a follower of Jesus Christ which has allowed me to forgive those who harmed me and comfort those who have been abused.

I was a young child when someone I loved and trusted sexually molested me. But that is a story for another day. I was an innocent 14-year-old when I was raped. I told no one because I believed somehow it was my fault. As a child growing up in the mid-70s & 80s I lived in a culture where it was not talked about, the victim had no rights, no services were in place to help the injured, and somehow it was always the girl’s fault – where she was, what she wore, what she said or what she did.

While I waited to find out if that act of violence had created a child, I shut myself in my room and cried out over and over to the Lord in prayer. I vividly remember sitting in my lime green bean bag in the corner of my room combing through my Bible repeatedly looking for a word, for some comfort from God. And to that very broken girl He provided it.  

I felt dirty and damaged beyond repair when I found Isaiah 1:18, “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them white as wool.” Please do not misunderstand me. There is no sin on the part of the person who has been sexually abused or raped. What mattered to me in this verse was the fact that God could make me feel clean again.

When I was stuck in an endless replay of the event He provided Philippians 3:13-14 which says, “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on towards the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus . . .” This gave me permission to leave it in the past where it belonged and move forward until I could find the help and healing I needed.

I was angry and bitter, filled with hatred toward the person who had harmed me. And God gently but persistently pointed me toward verse after verse (Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:31–32, Matthew 11:25) on the need to forgive the person who had violated me. By far one of the most difficult but most critical parts of my recovery. Not forgiving the perpetrator only harmed me, held me captive and kept me in a victim mentality instead of a survivor mindset.

What Satan intended for evil God has used for good. At the university I attended I volunteered at the Rape Crisis Center where I helped create the map that showed students the locations where rape had occurred in and around campus. A place where women could feel empowered with self-defense courses and receive the help they needed.

As a single woman in my 20s I led a group that worked with survivors on recovery from a Biblical perspective. And throughout the 35 years since my rape God has repeatedly opened doors for me to come alongside women one on one in their brokenness. To listen, to pray, to encourage them. To help them understand they are NOT defined by what happened nor should they allow it to define their lives. To point them to a God who will take their broken pieces and turn them into something beautiful. To comfort others with the comfort I myself received from God (2 Corinthian 1:3-4).

I am who I am today because of the good, the bad and the ugly in my past. And you know what? I like me. That statement, that sentence was hard earned. And only made possible through the healing of a loving God who took the broken pieces and made something beautiful.

The #Me Too movement? It is long overdue. As Christians we need to enter the conversation and infuse it with hope and healing and forgiveness instead of the anger and bitterness that too often surrounds it. Because really, isn’t that what God is all about – hope and healing and forgiveness?

Oh, my Precious Father – Thank you for giving me the courage to write this blog. For taking the broken pieces and making them whole.  I choose to praise you for the hard places that have made me who I am today and give you all the glory. Lord, please be with those whose wounds are fresh and those whose wounds are old and festering. May they strive towards the freedom of forgiveness and find their hope and healing in you. Amen.