My Faith Story

This was my first blog entry on September 1, 2015. I will be posting my faith story annually as a reminder of where I have come from, who I am today and where I am going. Thank you for supporting my ministry and this blog over the last year.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you never, in your wildest dreams or nightmares, could have imagined? That is where I find myself today as I stand in front of you. Giving my faith story – yes – that I could imagine. I have shared my faith in many ways and many times over the years. But being a recovered porn addict – sharing that with a room full of people, including my husband and 2 teenage daughters – not even in the realm of possibility.

I was raised in a Christian home and came to Christ as a child. I was baptized in 1976 on Easter Sunday in a small Baptist church in a small Iowa town. I attended church camps, national youth conferences, Bible Studies and retreats growing up. As an adult I have lead Bible Studies for the last 15 years and spoken at conferences, women’s retreats and area churches for almost as long.

Everything looked good on the surface but underneath I was struggling with an addiction to pornography that was slowly damaging my self-esteem, my self-worth, my relationship with Christ and my relationship with my husband. The stress between how I was perceived on the outside and who I really was on the inside was exhausting. I had built a wall between myself and God as well as anyone who could have helped me with my addiction.

In the interest of time I am going to speak in sweeping generalities. For men pornography tends to be visual, for women there needs to be an emotional connection. I have been a reader all my life. And the reading material I chose to read on the privacy of my e-reader led me down a rabbit hole that I could not control and could not find a way to stop for several years.

In October of 2013 God broke me free from my addiction in a radical way. Overwhelmed by the depravity of the explicit material I was reading I landed face down on the floor wrestling with God and with my addiction. By the grace of God I arose freed from my addiction and forgiven of my sin. Thank you Jesus! End of story or so I thought.

God wasn’t done with me or with the fact that I am a recovered porn addict. Recovery and reconciliation is a process. First I needed to ask my husband for forgiveness. Although I had not cheated on him physically I had cheated on him hundreds of times in my mind with the material I was consuming. Next up, I had to confess to our two teenage daughters. They had been raised with the standard of reading, watching and listening to material that Jesus could sit down and read, watch and listen to with them. Needless to say, their mama had not been walking that walk herself.

For God to be glorified I needed to testify to the work that God had been doing in my life. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” It quickly became apparent that God’s purpose in all of this was for me to share my story, do my research and open a dialogue about what Biblical sexuality looks like for women today.

Over the last year God has clearly opened doors that have led me to ministry I never would have expected and certainly would not have picked. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

So at over a dozen churches and retreat centers I have shared the comfort, the forgiveness and the hope of Christ by teaching workshops on 50 Shades of White: Biblical Sexuality for Women.  And what God has clearly shown me is that sexual sins of all size and shape are holding people captive. But if you look ahead and read the end of the book - Jesus wins.

In the meantime grab hold of his promise in 1 Corinthians 10:13 where it says, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

What Two Words Accurately Describe You Today?

I am short and fat. I cannot tell you how long I debated writing that sentence. If I did not think that statement would help other women who struggle with their weight I never would have written it. I have always been taught and believe that people see you as you see yourself. That words are powerful and you need to guard them so they do not cause harm to you or to others. And honestly, I really don’t want you to see me as short and fat. But when you look at me now that is what you will see because I just put that description of myself in your head.

I would really prefer that you buy into the lie I have been telling myself for years that I am curvy and petite instead. Nice words – words that don’t offend – but words that mask the real issue at hand. Issues for me personally that include gluttony. Disobedience. Turning to food when I should be turning to God. Not taking care of the body God has given me. Living a sedentary lifestyle.

This is not about a number on a scale for me or the size of my clothing tags. This is about getting healthy. Confessing the sin of gluttony and asking for forgiveness. Being obedient to God’s command that I take care of His temple. Not giving into the temptation to eat every piece of candy on the table in front of me during a 2 hour meeting last night. At 48 this is about mid-life maintenance. The need to live the next 50 years healthier than I did the last 15.

I was faced with the reality of my actual shape and size recently while staying in a hotel. With a full-length mirror. That showed my entire body. Both sitting and standing. I have to admit it was a bit of shock. I have spent most of the last 15 years editing the parts of my body that are fat from photos and mirrors. Most of the mirrors in my house only show me from the shoulders up.

I applaud any woman who is friends with her body and does not struggle with body image issues. Whatever shape or size you are if this is you – good for you! I do not in any way mean to say that fat is bad and thin is good. I am just trying to be transparent in sharing my own journey. For me, the shape of my body is indicative of the larger issues outlined above.

So let me share a couple of thoughts from scripture that offer hope if this is an area of struggle for you:

We can resist temptation: 1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds us that God is faithful and He will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. We just have to do our part. Last night that meant pushing the candy clear across the table so that I would have to physically get up in front of a room full of people to get a piece. It also meant asking a friend at the table to hold me accountable.

We need to put God first: Exodus 20:3 says that we are to have no other gods. If I turn to food when I should be turning to God then I am making a god (little “g”) out of food. We need to bring God into our struggles with food. To be in active prayer and conversation with Him. To ask for forgiveness if we are guilty of the sin of gluttony, disobedience etc.

When you think of me in the future I do not want you to think of me as short and fat. I want you to think of me as healthy and active. What 2 words accurately describe you today and what do you want those 2 words to be a year from now? With God’s help I believe we can do this!

Precious Father – Thank you for the body you have given me. Forgive me for not taking care of it as I should. Lord please help me to stay the course to healthy. Amen

An Open Letter to My College Sophomore

Oh my sweet daughter. I love you and I miss you. And yes, my arms ache to just hug you and breathe in your sweet scent.  As we drove the 406 miles home last night, I literally felt the umbilical cord stretching thinner and thinner with each mile. This is all good and right and as it should be. You are exactly where God has called you to be and there is peace for your mama in that knowledge.

I asked your permission to write of this experience and my feelings. Knowing I would awake the morning after we dropped you at college. That I would feel called to the patio table – my meeting place with God. In my pajamas and bare feet. In the early morning hours when I can process my thoughts, feelings and the words God has placed on my heart more clearly. You already know and have already put into place much of what I what I am about to write. But a mama feels better for having said it again anyway.

Put God first in everything that you do. Seek His direction and ask for His wisdom as you consider where and how to spend your time this fall. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” Attend an off-campus church. Participate in a small group Bible study. Spend time in God’s word each day.

Tend to your whole person. Mental, physical, and spiritual. Be present in the classroom and disciplined in your studies. Ask questions and invite a professor to lunch. Invite more than one professor to lunch. Strive to know a variety of people in each class and not just the person you sat next to the first day or the one you already knew. Swim as often as you can. Go for walks. Take the stairs. Make good food choices. So many of these things you did last year. I am so proud of you for tending to the whole person your freshman year.

Take the long way around. Use the stairs at the other end of your long dorm hall. This will force you to walk the length of your floor meeting other women along the way. Poke your head into an open door and introduce yourself. Participate in floor activities and reach out to the women next door. Be deliberate in scheduling time to spend with your roommate. Communicate with your roommate early and often so that your dorm room becomes your comfortable home-away-from-home and not an uncomfortable place you avoid.

Work hard and play hard. Schedule your time and make your to-do list. Do the thing you least want to do first. Find a place to study with the least distractions and the most comfortable chair. Take advantage of all that the large city near you has to offer – museums, festivals, theater. Participate in the clubs and activities on campus that make you smile and laugh out loud. Try something new. Build on existing friendships and seek new ones.

And never forget. That you are truly and dearly loved. That you are prayed for by so many people who care about you and are invested in you and in your life. That you will always have a home waiting for you with a mom and a dad and a younger sister who are your biggest cheerleaders and staunchest supporters. Here is to an amazing sophomore year my precious daughter.

Love - Mom

Two Are Better Than One

As your read this I will be unplugged with my best friend on our 20th annual girlfriend getaway. We met in the summer of 1990 at an apartment complex in Los Angeles. We were fresh from college – she from the University of Wisconsin at Madison, me from the University of Iowa. We were stretching our wings. Far from family, friends and all that was familiar. Neither one of us knew anyone in Whittier, the Los Angeles suburb where we landed.

Enter God’s gracious hand in the form of an elderly couple from Kansas who were managing our apartment complex. Our first Sunday they knocked on our doors, invited us to their church and loaded us into their car. Suddenly what had been scary became an adventure as two Midwest girls learned to navigate L.A. together. In the process we became best friends. A friendship that has lasted 26 years and counting.

In the summer of 1995 we both had opportunities to move back to the Midwest and jumped at the opportunity. She to Wisconsin and me to Minnesota. We found the 6 hour drive between our 2 homes challenging. This was before social media or texting so we spent a lot of time on the phone, sent packages back and forth and worked hard to see each other every couple of months.  We pulled out a map the following summer and found a quaint river town in Illinois were we could meet part way for a long weekend without the distractions of our jobs, my husband and eventually my daughters who adored their honorary aunt.

Last summer my best friend married for the first time at 48. I was thrilled for her and really liked the man God had brought into her life. They fit like two pieces of a puzzle. But honestly, I felt a little insecure about our annual girl’s getaway weekend. I should have known better. She was there a month after her wedding meeting me again for this important weekend where we connect at a deeper level than our frequent texts, Facebook posts and phone calls. And the new husband? He gets us – thank God – and supports our getaway fully.

Carving this time out is not always easy. We book it months in advance after we get our two calendars together (a major accomplishment all by itself). I have left infants at home and pumped breast milk while I was away. There have been times when one or the other of us could not afford it and the other one paid. There was one particularly difficult weekend when I was buried with toddlers and a new business. My best friend was a single career woman at the time and we didn’t seem to have much in common anymore. But 3 days away, just the 2 of us, allowed us to work through that and come out stronger on the other side.

God created us for relationship. Not just with Him but with each other. In the chaos of your everyday life and busy schedule one of the best investments of time you can make is in building friendships with the women around you. After 26 years my best friend and I have developed a short hand in our conversations. We can tell by the tone of our voices over the phone when one of us is happy or sad, scared or excited.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 tells us that two are better than one because if one falls down the other can help them up. If you have a friend like this in your life today thank God for them. If you don’t, ask God to bring that person into your life.

Precious Father – Thank you for the gift of friendship. Help us to be the friend to others that we hope to find ourselves. May we make building friendships an everyday priority Lord. Amen.

The Myth of Having It All

Oprah Winfrey once said, “You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.” As a child of the 80s and a woman who holds a degree in journalism and women’s studies this quote resonates with me. I was taught (and I believed with all my heart) that I had no limits, could be anything I wanted to be and that I could definitely have it all. At 48, I recognize this idea for what it truly is – a myth.

It is not possible to be a perfect wife and mother, have the perfect home and children and be the best in your career all at the same time. At different points you may be one or more of these. But there is not enough of you and there are not enough hours in the day to be all of these at the same time.

As a child of the 80s “having it all” meant a handsome husband, beautiful children, gorgeous home and successful career. Today it means a thriving personal relationship with Christ, a deep and abiding marriage with my husband and raising daughters who strive to love and serve God. The ministry God has called me to and the career where I earn income falls behind my relationship with my God, my husband and my children.

I just returned from the national convention of the direct sales company where I work. Lots of lights and sound and noise designed to motivate to me to grow my business. I found myself conflicted throughout the 3 day event. God is so clearly calling me into ministry but I do not feel He has called me out of my current career. Which leaves me in an uncomfortable place.

I am somewhat of an all or nothing personality. When I do something I want to give it my very best. When I am spread too thin and am unable to do that it frustrates me. I often find myself emotionally splintered between the many things tugging on my life. What I need to remember is that there will be various seasons in my life. Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.”

My season right now is one of spending time with our remaining daughter before she, too, moves away to college. It is a season of reconnecting with my husband as we realize the empty nest is just around the corner.  It is a season of seeking God as I build a platform for the ministry He has given me and continue my career.

You may be reading this as someone who is single, divorced, or widowed. You may be a stay-at-home mom, a student, or the president of a company. You may be balancing things beautifully or you may be hanging on by your last toenail upside down. Wherever you find yourself today please know that God sees you and that you matter. I really do believe you can have it all. Just not all at once. Seek God and ask what his plans are for your current age and stage of life.

Precious Father – Thank you for seeing us. When we feel unnoticed and unappreciated please help us to remember we matter so much to you that you sacrificed your son on our behalf. Lord, may we seek you earnestly in the paths we follow and the choices we make at every age and at every stage. Amen. 

Building Relationship With God

I don’t know where your relationship is with God as you read this. Personally, I was raised in a Christian home and came to Christ as a child. I had the privilege of attending church camps, national youth conferences, Bible studies and retreats growing up. I have spent the last 40 years striving to live out my salvation, ground myself in God’s word and deepen my relationship with Christ. And honestly, I have failed miserably more often than not.

I believe that the Bible is true; the inspired word of God. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that man may be equipped.” Hebrews 4:12 goes on to say, “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow, it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

The Bible tells us that God created us for relationship with him. “We love Him because He first loved us,” explains the apostle John in 1 John 4:19. He also created us with a God-sized hole inside that only he can fill. This is a hole that cannot be filled by a career, or a husband, or children. It cannot be filled by anything that money can buy or an achievement you can earn.  It can only be filled by entering into a personal relationship with Christ.

To build human relationships requires time and effort. Not just time liking a friend’s Facebook post or sending them a text but face-to-face time where trust and intimacy can grow. Building a relationship with Christ also takes time and effort. Not from his end – he has been waiting since the dawn of time to be in relationship with you – but from our end.

We need to carve time out daily to build our relationship with Christ. Start with the amazing biography/autobiography that he left us in the form of the Bible. Sit at the feet of trusted Bible teachers who can help you better understand the content between the covers. Join a small group Bible study where you have the accountability and opportunity to dig into God’s word together.

Commit to memorizing scripture. We need to get to the point where it is our automatic default in times of trouble and in times of celebration. Consider picking one verse a week that you want to commit to memory. I find putting the verse in a place where I can read it several times a day helps. A notecard on the bathroom mirror, a post-it on your computer screen or a pop up on your phone are all helpful.

And last but not least we need to be in conversation with God throughout our day. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 tells us to pray continually. Think of prayer as a constant discussion with your Creator. A healthy relationship has regular communication. Without it the relationship would wither and die.

What things do you need to add or change to create a stronger relationship with God? Please comment and share what works for you as a way of encouraging others – a favorite book or devotional, a time of day, a specific place, a practice that regularly connects you with God.

Owning the Tough Stuff Out Loud

“Hi. I am Robin from Minnesota. I am a recovering porn addict whose most popular speaking topic is 50 Shades of White: Biblical Sexuality for Women.” Hard to write and even harder to say to a stranger I sat next to at a conference. But we only had a very short time to connect before the speaker started. So you boil it down to a few sentences and hope for the best.

I would like to say that I said that every time I met someone new which I would guess was over 200 times during the three day conference. But I didn’t. Because saying I am a speaker and writer who has a passion to connect women to God and to each other (which I do) was safer and easier. It did not make me vulnerable or leave me open to judgment or give someone an opportunity for gossip.

It also did not give the person I was talking to an opportunity to connect with me on a deeper level or share who they really are underneath. Generally, when I have the courage to “go there” people join me by choosing to be more open about their own stuff. Which in turn opens the door to a deeper and more honest connection.

I could have been at my 30–year class reunion last weekend. Not the opening line I would have chosen. Obviously, there is a time and a place to own my past out loud in hopes that God will use it to move someone else forward. Instead I was at a Christian conference with women who have a unique story they are called by God to speak or write. 

Being real and honest and transparent is hard. Even now I want to go back and delete the first couple sentences of this blog and bury them 3 paragraphs down. Because I know that Facebook will grab the first couple lines of this blog to put into my feed.

So many women at this conference chose to be honest in their own introductions and table-side conversations. It was awe-inspiring to witness. Each conversation drew me back to a God who wants us to comfort others in the way we have been comforted ourselves. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

I was reminded at this conference that when we operate in our comfort zone we generally do so by our own power as we show people what we can do. When we operate outside our comfort zone we plug into God’s power and people see what God can do.

I had spoken for many years on a variety of topics – running a successful business, organizing your home, the gift of hospitality, a favorite Bible verse. All useful stuff but definitely within my comfort zone. It wasn’t until God called me to speak publicly about my porn addiction and Biblical sexuality for women that I truly understood what it meant to operate in God’s power and not my own.  His grace really is sufficient and his power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I do not know what hard and hurtful things have happened to you in the past, are happening to you right now or will happen to you in the future. (Personally message me and it would be my honor to pray for you). Jesus tells us in John 16:33 that in this world we will have trouble. But he goes on to encourage us to take heart because he has overcome the world.

How can you use your personal experiences to come along someone else who is struggling in a similar area? How can you let God’s light shine through the dark places? And how can you testify to what God has done in your life?

Precious Father – Thank you that your power is made perfect in our weakness. Please give us the courage to be bold about the hard parts of our past, present and future so that we may comfort others in the way we have been comforted ourselves. Amen.

Commit to the Lord Whatever You Do

I leave tomorrow for the speaking and writing conference in North Carolina that I have blogged about before (May 31). My one page, book proposal and sample chapter of my book are written. I have practiced my 5 minute talk on 1 Corinthians 10:13 and temptation. I have worked with my physical therapist on how to use a cane instead of crutches as I move through 2 airports and the rental care place by myself. And I have planned my outfits (very important – good impression and all that).

None of this, of course, really matters if I make this about me and not about God. I need to invite him into every aspect of this conference – the people I meet, workshops I attend, publishers who read my proposal, the talk I give. God has paved the way. He brought the conference to my attention, made a spot for me in an event that sells out very quickly, sidelined me with knee surgery which gave me the time to write. He even supplied an amazing prayer partner for me. She is another attendee from Missouri who has encouraged me, prayed with me, and held me accountable for the last several weeks.

I do not believe in coincidence. I believe in a God who is active and at work all around me. A God who has numbered the hairs on my head and etched me in the palm of his hand. We have to choose to seek him and ask him to reveal himself to us. Psalm 25:4-5 says, “Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”

In what areas of your life are you looking for answers? A new job, a difficult or absent relationship, your living arrangement, a medical diagnosis, deciding on a college choice? As you go through your day look for God at work in your life. Ask him to reveal himself to you. Seek earnestly his plans and his will for your life. James 1: 5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

He cares and created you for relationship with him. Try setting coincidence aside and seeing it instead as God gently directing your path. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” Colossians 3:17 goes on to say, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to the Father through him.”

Precious Father – Thank you for loving us and for sending your Son to die for us. Grant us wisdom, Lord, and direct our paths. Please reveal yourself to us and help us to see how you are at work in our lives and in the lives of the people around us. May we keep our eyes on you and not be distracted by the things of this world. Amen.

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Another week of headlines that makes me want to turn off the television, close the newspaper, stay off of social media and ignore the newsfeed on my computer. I can’t imagine the despair, anger and cynicism of someone whose hope does not rest in Jesus right now.

It seems to me, that when you drill it all down, it comes down to the fact that we are a fallen people and God created us with free will. Guns, by themselves, do not kill people. The person who pulls the trigger makes that choice. Cars do not kill people. The person who is drunk behind the wheel does. I do not want to start a gun control debate here. I am simply saying that evil is real and because God loves us and wants us to choose to be in relationship with him he gave us free will.

In Matthew 22:37-38 Jesus said - " You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself." Loving God with every part of our being is an important step in the right direction. We need to be the hands and feet of God; reaching out and building relationships with the people in our neighborhoods, workplace and schools. 

Part of our relationship with God and with others develops out of how we see ourselves. Loving your neighbor as yourself sounds pretty straight forward until you realize how many people today do not, in fact, love themselves. This makes it pretty difficult, if not impossible, to follow God’s command in the way it was intended.

I don’t know where you fall on the spectrum of loving yourself. At one end is total self-loathing. At the other end a healthy appreciation, acceptance and peace about who God created you to be. Regardless of where you fall in the spectrum, I need to pause here for a minute to say that you are worthy of love from others and from yourself. God did not make a mistake when he created you. Dear sister (and brother) loved by God, please hear this - you matter!

Scripture points out some pretty amazing things about you. You are created in God’s image – Genesis 1:27 * He knit you together in your mother’s womb – Psalm 139:13 * You are fearfully & wonderfully made – Psalm 139:14 * You were skillfully wrought – Psalm 139:15 * His thoughts of you are more in number than the sand – Psalm 139:18 * You are engraved on the palm of God’s hand - Isaiah 49:16 * Every hair on your head is numbered - Matthew 10:30.

The solution to the mess we are in starts with loving God and then with loving ourselves so we can love others. We are not born with prejudice. It is a learned behavior. We need to ask God to search our heart and help us to see who we really are and where our prejudices lie.

 Please join me in praying Psalm 139:23-24 - Search me, oh God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Amen. 

Life Lived to the Edge of All You Can Be

"It is not the easy or convenient live for which I search, but life lived to the edge of all that I can be." Credited to author and artist Mary Anne Radmacher, this quote has spoken to me for a number of years. In a time where easy and convenient is the goal for many I thought I wanted more. Confession time - when I received hard and inconvenient I have not always risen to the occasion as well as I could have.

In fact I will admit to you that I have been having quit a pity party over the last few weeks. Wallowing in this has involved too much Haagen Dazs ice cream and double stuff Oreos. Which (since I am in confession mode) in turn resulted in a 2.8 pound weight gain when I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Friday which in turn compounded the pity party.  

The four month anniversary of my injury has come and gone and I am not even close to where I am supposed to be. Still on crutches with a whole lot of physical therapy still ahead of me I am at a crossroads. But I get to decide which way to go. So today I choose to dig deep and stay the course. To stop feeling sorry for myself. To feed my discouragement with prayer and God’s word instead of sugar and carbs. To reach out to friends instead of isolating myself. To focus on what I can do and not on what I cannot do.

What challenge are you facing today? A tough boss, hard marriage, broken friendship, difficult child, financial crisis, health issues, loss of direction or motivation? As you stand at your crossroad what direction will you choose? Are you going to choose the easy and convenient life or a life lived to the edge of all that you can be?

I would encourage you to seek out and memorize scripture that speaks to your current situation. I find biblehub.com to be an especially useful resource.  Search for a word like “weakness” and then click on a verse to pull up commentary, cross references, similar verses and more. One of the verses that really speaks to me right now is 2 Corinthians 12:9 – But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

And last but not least choose to pray scripture (from Colossians 1:9-12). Precious Father – May I be filled with the knowledge of your will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding. May I walk in a manner that is worthy of you Lord. May I please you in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in my knowledge of you. May I be strengthened with all power, according to your glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience. And may I joyously give thanks to you. Amen. 

One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back

I believe in God and the power of prayer. I know that he answers all prayers. (Mark 11:24, Psalms 120:1, Philippians 4:6). It has been my experience, however, that he answers prayers with yes, no or wait. I have a strong personal faith and believe that God is alive, active and working in our lives. I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). I know all this and yet I still struggle . . . and I doubt . . . and I wrestle with God.

If you read my blog on a regular basis you know that I have chosen to thank God for my knee injury pretty much from the beginning. The lessons he has taught me, the bonding in my family, the outpouring of support, the realization that I am tougher than I think, and the time for prayer and reflection have been life-changing. I am in the process of grabbing my notepad and writing down all the blessings again. Because, honestly, I am at a point where I am just not feeling very thankful for this injury right now.

I am one week shy of four months since I blew my knee. From the beginning I was told this would be a 4 month process from start to finish by the orthopedic doctor, nurses, orthopedic surgeon and physical therapist. I have done everything they told me to do. In fact, I have been surprised at what a model patient I have been. Turns out that the time frame I was given is fluid and flexible and it is not holding true for me.

In the last week I have returned to icing and elevating as much as possible. This time from my knee to my hip, doing deep tissue massage of the same area each day and cut way back on my physical therapy. My family is back to fetch and carry as I try to stay off my leg as much as possible. What feels like 10 steps back has left me questioning myself, my God and my life. What does my life look like if the repair didn’t hold and I have chronic knee pain and restricted activities for the rest of my life?

In the whole scheme of things I know a bum knee is really no big deal. And I know that whatever the outcome God has a plan and will work in and through this situation. I want to be like Jesus in Matthew 26:39 when he fell on his face and prayed, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

I do not know the hard things you are facing today. I do know that many of them are considerably harder than my bum knee. I don’t know if God has answered your heartfelt prayers with yes, no, or wait but I do know he will answer. Psalms 120:1 says, “In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me.” Please know that God loves you and he sees you and he is waiting for you to seek him earnestly in whatever challenge you are facing today.  Hang tough precious child of God. You are not alone.

Precious Father – Thank you for the challenges in our life that bring us to you. May we seek you earnestly not just in the tough stuff but in all things Lord.  May we dig into your Word and deepen our prayer lives on a daily basis. And always, Lord may we praise your holy name. Amen.

My Hope is in You Lord

MY HOPE IS IN YOU LORD

In a week of national horror the headlines are discouraging to say the least. Mass murder, rape, and politics can make a person feel hopeless in the face of so much evil.  I admit to feeling fear and sadness as the national events unfold around me. But I choose to place my hope in Jesus and the promises of His word.  Scripture tells me:

1. God has overcome the world.

John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take courage; I have overcome the world!" It goes on to say in 1 John 4:4. “You, little children, are from God and have overcome them, because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.” An important reminder that the God I serve is more powerful than the evil I fear.

2. God offers us peace.

In John 14:27 Jesus says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid.” God promises a supernatural peace that can only be found through a personal relationship with Him. Philippians 4:7 says, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  When I do not understand the evil around me I can rest in the knowledge that God is in control.

3. God speaks to us through His Word.

1 John 2:14 says, “I have written to you, fathers, because you know Him who is from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.” Let’s pause on this verse for a minute and see the sequence – you are strong – (because) the word of God abides in you – (therefore) you have overcome the evil one. Knowing and studying God’s word is an essential part of being strong in the face of evil.

4. God has prepared us for this battle.

Ephesians 6:12-13 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.”  Ephesians 6 goes on to describe the various pieces of the armor of God that we all need. Take time to study God’s Word and put your full armor on each day.

5. God wins in the end.

Revelation 20:10 says, “And the devil who deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are also; and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.” And to this we simply have to say AMEN!

Precious Father - We are deeply saddened by the tragedies around us. Please be with the victims who have personally experienced the results of evil and for the survivors and loved ones who mourn. May we not be overcome by evil Lord but may we overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). Amen.

A Timely & Important Topic

I am a repentant, forgiven, redeemed, washed white as snow, recovered porn addict. I am trying to answer God’s call to be transparent. To share a message that will educate women on a biblical perspective on sexuality and empower them to make God-honoring choices. I am also an angry, hurt, and confused woman who has recently been told that I cannot share my message “50 Shades of White: Biblical Sexuality for Women” at an event for which I had been hired to give this talk. This is because the organization had decided they did not want the word “porn” associated with their group.

But this is a timely and important topic that needs to be discussed. Consider the facts. 70% of the men and 30% of the women in America are addicted to porn. Which means if you are not personally addicted you know someone who is – in fact statistically you know several men or women who are struggling in this area. The average American child sees their first porn between the ages of 8 – 10. It is the number one download on smart phones. It is an industry that brings in more revenue annually than professional football, baseball and basketball combined. The porn industry is ravenous and it is looking for more users. Particularly women and especially our children. I am not being alarmist. These are cold, hard facts. Google “pornography addiction” and you will see that I am actually being conservative in the numbers I am using.

As a Christian community we must engage in this conversation. Last year over a dozen churches had the courage to bring me and God’s message to the women in their church. The response before and after these events were overwhelmingly positive. If we as a church do not engage in the hard stuff then we are choosing to forfeit the teaching of right and wrong and the moral standards of our time to the secular culture at large. As parents we need to discuss difficult topics such as pornography with our children though a Biblical filter.

And while we strive to train up our children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) we need to remind them as well as ourselves the importance of repentance, confession, forgiveness, and grace. This needs to be an essential part of our personal relationship with Christ as well as our relationship with the community of believers around us. Repentance means I recognize the sin for what it is and ask for forgiveness. Billy Graham once described sin as any word or action that falls short of God’s will.  To be able to recognize sin we have to be grounded in God’s Word.

1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” As sinners we so often fall into the trap of ranking sin. Gluttony, padding a resume, telling a little white lie is more socially acceptable than something like pornography. To be able to label someone else’s sin as greater than our own makes us feel better. But in that labeling and finger pointing comes judgement which scripture warns against repeatedly. Roman’s 2:1 says, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things (sin).”

Part of our process after we repent, confess, are forgiven and receive grace needs to be a testimony to the work God has done in our lives. Uncovering our hidden sins and shedding God’s light on them defeats Satan and gives God the victory. Revelation 12:11 says, “They triumphed over him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony. . .”

So here is my testimony: I made poor choices that resulted in an addiction to pornography that hurt myself, my marriage, and my family. I repented of that sin and confessed that sin to God, my family and fellow believers. God is faithful and just. He sent his Son to die for my sins on the cross. He forgave my sins and purified me from all unrighteousness. And at every possible opportunity I intend to testify to God’s amazing work in my life and share the message He has placed on my heart, “50 Shades of White: Biblical Sexuality for Women.”

Precious Father – Thank you for loving us enough to send your Son to die on the cross for our sins. Please help us to focus on and recognize our own sin. May we repent, confess, receive your forgiveness and receive and extend grace in return. Lord, when things get tough help us to stay the course and be obedient to your call on our lives. Amen.

Telling His Story

I have the opportunity at the end of July to attend a Christian conference created by women for women who are called by God to speak and write. It is a large investment of time and money. I will know no one, travel by plane to an area of the country I have never been before, and stay by myself in a hotel room for several nights.

I am going because I know nothing about creating a brand, building a platform, having a social media presence, proposing a book, or any of the other things I need to know to reach a larger audience with the message God has placed on my heart.

An info seeker by nature, I just spent 2 hours on a call designed to help us make the most out of our time at the conference. It covered everything from networking and business cards to the elevator pitch and creating a one-page book proposal. I gained pages of notes, resources and information. I also gained a sense of panic (lots to do in the next 6 weeks) and insecurity (who am I to think I have anything to offer).

The facilitator started with a verse I was not familiar with from Psalms 68:11 which says, “The Lord announces the word, and the women who proclaim it are a mighty throng." I do not know the exact number of a "mighty throng" but I am thinking it is a pretty large group. And I believe God has asked me to be part of that group. I am thankful that in God's math He makes room for each one of us to use our gifts and talents for His glory. 

Which brings me to the next point I pulled from the call. The messages I speak, blogs I write and book that may or may not be published someday are not my story. They are not about me. They are God’s story, they are all about Him, and it is entirely up to Him to use them in whatever way He sees fit.

I can choose to focus and worry about what I don’t have that others do such as a finished manuscript, large social media presence etc. Or I can focus on the One whose story I strive to tell and follow where He chooses to lead me.

I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on the women around me. There will always be people around me who are smarter or prettier or thinner than me. And at this conference women who are published authors and have thousands of facebook followers. But the same God who used a fugitive to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and planted the church on the backs of uneducated fisherman can certainly use me with all of my flaws to reach women for Christ.  

Precious Father, thank you for the talents and abilities that you give us. May we use them to tell your story and glorify your name. And Lord, may each of us in out own way be part of the mighty throng that proclaims your word. Amen.

Lessons Learned While Sitting Sideways on the Couch - Part 2

6.) HAVE AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to, “give thanks in all circumstances . . .” The day after I met with my surgeon and found out I had a 4 month recovery process ahead of me I grabbed a notebook and started making a list. I filled the page as I wrote down all the things I had to be thankful for - timing, transportation, medical care, circumstances, care providers, and a supportive family to name a few. On the days that an attitude of gratitude has been challenging a friend or family member has gently (and not so gently when needed) reminded me of the many things I have to be thankful for in the midst of my current situation.

7.) TAKE CARE OF THE TEMPLE. I Corinthians 6:19-20 says, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit . . . Therefore honor God with your bodies.” If I had taken better care of my body before the accident – healthy diet, weight and exercise – this would have physically been a much easier experience.  I have one body to carry me through this life. How healthy or unhealthy I am is up to me.

8.) FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. From the moment of injury a wide variety of people suddenly had a say in where I went, what I did and how I got there. I was left with two choices. To trust that the experts were right or to decide that Robin knew what was best for Robin. I chose to trust the experts and followed every direction I was given to the letter. I cannot remember ever applying myself so diligently to anything the way I have to recovering from this injury. That discipline allowed me to get out of the monster brace in week 8 instead of week 10. Thank you Jesus!

9.) WALK BEFORE YOU RUN. Getting out of the monster brace early, however, taught me another important lesson. I have to learn to walk again before I can run. Easier said than done when you haven’t walked for 9 weeks. Muscles atrophy, neuro nets are lost, mechanics are forgotten and coordination becomes a thing of the past. I left physical therapy in tears today because I could not figure out how to walk correctly using crutches with both feet on the ground. A door has been opened with the removal of the monster brace. I can shower, do stairs, drive short distances, sit normal in a chair for short periods of time and sleep in my own bed. But other doors are still closed. I cannot do any of the above for long periods of time. I cannot cook or get my own meal, do laundry, run errands, go for a walk, or resume my normal work schedule. I literally have to learn to walk (correctly) and rebuild muscle before I can run.

10.) GIVE GOD THE GLORY. There is chorus from a childhood song I used to sing (with hand motions, of course) that went like this:

Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory.

Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory.

Rise. And. Shine. And. Give God the glory, glory.

Children of the Lord.

I want people to see God at work in my life. I want Him to receive the credit for all that He does in and through my life. This journey I am on? Getting this far? All God. Having an attitude of gratitude – way beyond me on the toughest days. Taking care of the temple – rhubarb is in season (enough said). Following directions – hard, frustrating and difficult. Walking before I run – leaves me in tears. Giving God the glory – my only option because He is the only reason I have made it this far.

Precious Father – To you be all glory and honor and power forever. Amen!

Lesson Learned While Sitting Sideways on the Couch - Part 1

I am 8 weeks into this journey with my knee injury and it is time to share some of the lessons I am learning:

1) ASK FOR HELP. To do this I first had to swallow my pride and admit that I needed help. In fact a lot of help. Meals, rides for our daughter, a helper to sit with me each day that my husband was out of town, errands I could not run, and more. I could not have made it through the last 2 months without the help of friends and family.  But first I had to be vulnerable and share what our needs are which isn’t always easy.

2) LET LOVE IN. My Bible Study ladies have an expression that goes something like this, “Are you going to let love in or let pride stand in the way?” Easy to say but hard to do. Case in point - several people asked if they could move the group to my house to meet so I could attend since I am housebound. I said no because I was embarrassed about the state of my person (unwashed, sweats, no makeup) and the state of my house (total mess). Pride was keeping me from the prayer, fellowship, hugs and people I needed most. The three weeks they met in my house have been a highlight of my convalescence.

3) BOREDOM IS A CHOICE. The days get really long when you have a choice of two couches where you can sit sideways with your leg elevated. You can only watch so many movies, read so many books, and scan Facebook on your phone so many times before you want to climb the walls. So I chose to sort photos, enter receipts, sort through paper piles, plan menus, write letters and thank you notes, have long conversations with good friends, reconnect with old friends, schedule summer vacations, and read my Bible.

4) A CARD COUNTS. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten just how much a card in the mail means. Until they started landing in my mail box. An old college friend who saw it on facebook, a past coworker who saw an email, a dear aunt who has written me once a week for 5 weeks, friends & school moms, church & Bible Study ladies. I find myself eagerly awaiting the mail each day. It takes so little time to send a card but means so much to the person who receives it. I am ashamed to admit that somewhere along the way I had stopped writing them.

5) RELATIONSHIPS MATTER. God created us to journey through life together. To build relationship we have to invest time and energy into the lives of the people around us. Nothing new here I know but very humbling when you see it in action. Friends who barely had enough time to put a meal on their own table made double and fought rush hour traffic to put a meal on our table as well. Women with packed schedules cleared a spot to be my helper for 4-hour blocks of time. Another friend made multiple trips across town with tools to make my life easier. Tools like a wheelchair, then a leg lift, a grabber, and a special body wash. I could go on and on describing the loving help we have received.  My family literally could not have made it through the last 8 weeks without the large number of people who rose up to meet our needs.

Precious Father – Thank you for the lessons I am learning because of my injury. May I always remember to ask for help, let love in, that boredom is a choice, a card counts and relationships matter. Amen.

God's Power is Made Perfect in Weakness

I want my life back. That is what I told my physical therapist this morning when he told me I would be wearing the brace for at least 6 weeks and not the 4 weeks that I had been told originally.  I want to be able to resume normal activities – walking, driving, showering, sleeping in my own bed, going up stairs. I want to sleep on my side and wear something besides leggings, and make a meal, and go to church, and . . and . . . and!

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since surgery and 7½ weeks since injury. Honestly, the first 6 weeks I was just hunkered down with an “I can do this and it could be worse” attitude. There had been an amazing outpouring of meals, flowers, cards, and visits that made the firsts weeks post-surgery bearable. I definitely felt God’s presence and a powerful amount of prayer. But my focus was really on me and my ability to handle the curve ball that had been thrown at me. I was doing a lot of it in my own power.

Then I reached week 6. And crashed and burned.

It happened in the middle of the night as these things often do. I woke up at 3:33am needing to use the bathroom. I struggled into an upright position half asleep. I had to unbuckle my brace and buckle it back up because it shifts while I sleep. I tried several times to pull myself up to a standing position on one leg and could not get up. Every muscle in my body ached and I did not have the strength to stand on my one good leg. I finally got up, found my balance and crutched to the bathroom. Which is a difficult undertaking when you have to lift the brace & leg through the shower door and put it on the edge of the bath tub (while balancing on one leg) to even be able to use the toilet. So goes the joys of an old house and small bathroom.

I crutched back, collapsed on the bed, and felt sobs well up in me that hurt as they broke the surface. With everything that was in me I cried out to God over and over. And that cry went something like this, “I can’t do this anymore Lord. You have promised that your strength in made perfect in my weakness. I am weak Lord and I need your strength. Please Lord. Please. I need your strength to be made perfect in my weakness.” Over and over the same refrain until I cried myself back to sleep.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

So today I am boasting about my weakness. It is God’s power resting in me that is going to get me through the next 6 weeks and entire 4 months of this process. I am at the end of Robin. I have no reserves left to make this happen, to hunker down and power through as I did the first 6 weeks. I am bone tired, frustrated, muscle sore and discouraged. Fortunately, the end of me is where God shines best.

Precious Father, Thank you for meeting me in the middle of the night in the middle of my need. Thank you that your grace is sufficient and that your power is made perfect in my weakness. Amen

What Happens When . . ?

What do you do when you realize the hard stuff is going to take longer than expected before it gets easier? What do you do when a door opens and then suddenly slams in your face? What do you do when you receive news that drops your belly to the floor and you can’t quite get it back in position? Maybe it is a health crisis, or a loss of a job, or a broken relationship. Maybe a coveted promotion you didn’t get, or a dream house you didn’t buy or a man who didn’t love you back.

The “hard stuff” is different things to different people depending on who you are, where you come from, and what you have experienced. Right now my hard stuff is this knee injury. It is realizing that 6 weeks in to this I am not even half way through the crutches, the brace, the wheelchair, the physical therapy and the healing process.

I had my post op with the surgeon last week who looked at a very small part of the big picture – the incisions from his surgery – and pronounced it good. He informed me I would no longer have to wear my pressure bandage from my toes to my hip and no longer have to change the sterile dressing on a daily basis. Which is all good and all true. He told me I could unlock the brace to drive short distances and start taking showers. I can’t even tell you the feeling those words gave me! I saw the door swing wide open to freedom, flexibility, more control and regular showers.

Then I went to the physical therapist.

Because of my height and the way that my monster brace fits me I was informed that I can not do stairs or get the brace into a position where I can drive. Which means I am still housebound and can not take showers due to the layout of our house. Technically, I leave the house twice a week for physical therapy but it is a long and arduous process that takes two hours for a one hour appointment and leaves me exhausted. (From the process – not the physical therapy).

Both the surgeon and the physical therapist told me I still had to wear the brace 24/7 and keep my leg elevated for at least the entire 4 weeks following surgery. The key phrase here is at least. Turns out it may be needed longer than 4 weeks. In fact the protocol sheet I was given today for a meniscal repair shows the brace discontinued between 6-12 weeks following surgery.

Now I know everyone heals differently and that all of this is just guess work. But to see the door flung open to more freedom, flexibility, and control and then have it suddenly slam in my face has been one of the hardest parts of this entire process. I got home from those appointments so discouraged and cried off and on for the rest of the day.

Which brings me back to my opening question – “What do you do when?” According to Romans 12:12 we are called to: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Three important and difficult things that I am unable to do in my own power. Thank God joy is not dependent on circumstances, like happiness, but rather on what Christ has done for me. My NIV study notes describes “patient in affliction” as enduring triumphantly through the inevitable experience of affliction. And faithful in prayer means communication with God at all times.

Precious Father, you have told us that in this world there will be trouble. But you have also told us to take heart because you have overcome the world. Thank you Lord Jesus! May we strive to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. Amen.

Perseverance

Have you ever had an experience where an old, often used word takes on a whole new personal meaning for you? Right now that word for me is perseverance. Merriam-Webster defines perseverance as a continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition; the action or condition or an instance of persevering.

I have a whole new appreciation for perseverance after 4½ weeks on crutches. I finally had knee surgery last week. Surgery took twice as long as expected and an extra hole was needed to drill through the bone to create a tunnel where they could try to reattach the ripped meniscus in the bone hole they had created. For the surgery to be successful several things need to happen. I need to keep it in a monster brace from my ankle to my hip for 4 weeks 24/7. It needs to be elevated the entire time and iced 50% of the time. And above all I need to make sure that no weight is put on that leg for the entire 4 weeks. It will take all of the above to truly make the surgery successful.

James 1:2-3 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” Being housebound, unable to drive, unable to do stairs, unable to shower or take a bath is a trial. Having one couch where I can sit in one position (sideways, leg elevated) and one bed where I can sleep in one position (on my back, leg elevated) is a challenge. But if I persevere and follow all the rules in the end I will have a knee that has healed.

In what area of your life do you need to persevere right now? A job search? Difficult relationship? Health challenge? Weight loss? Finances? School? Children? It may be the next call, next interview, next day, next year before our persevering finally gets the results we are striving for.

Romans 5:3-4 tells us, “. . . but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. I don’t know about you but I want any suffering that I go through to be used for God’s glory. I do not want it to produce bitterness, anger, impatience and hopelessness in me. I want the perseverance, character and hope that Paul writes about in Romans.

Precious Father, I am choosing to thank you once again for this injury. Thank you for slowing me down and giving me more time with friends and family. Thank you for my current situation that is drawing me closer to you. Please help us Lord to seek you earnestly in the trials and suffering we face. May the process and the end result produce more perseverance, character and hope in us. Amen. 

When You Don't Have Control

Friday, March 11 I injured my knee. 4½ weeks later I am finally having surgery. At 48 I have had very little surgery or illness in my life. Tonsils out when I was 5. Wisdom teeth out in college. A cyst removed from my wrist. I do not take my health for granted because too many people around me struggle with serious illness on a daily basis. I thank God regularly for my health and for the incredible health system we have access to in the United States.

In the scheme of things my knee surgery tomorrow is really no big deal. But honestly, to me, it feels huge. And scary. And well . . . kind of like a big deal to me. When I boil down my fears it largely comes down to a lack of control. Every nurse who has contacted me over the last 3 days has asked if I have any trouble with anesthesia. My answer is no. But then how do I know since they were still using ether the last time they put me under in 1973. An honest answer would be yes, because I do not like the idea of not knowing what is going on around me and being at the mercy of someone else for several hours.

One of my most vivid memories of my childhood involves my one and only surgery. My brother and I had our tonsils taken out at the same time. They put us in the same recovery room once the surgeries were completed. I woke up before my brother and remember being cold and scared in a way that only a 5-year-old could be with no adults present. I couldn’t wake up enough to climb down from the gurney to go to him and as I called for him over and over again he did not respond. Honesty, I thought he was dead. The memory is still so vivid today I can remember the color of the walls (yellow), the gown he was wearing (green), the smell (disinfectant) and the abject terror I felt. Dramatic I know but still so real to me 43 years later as I write this.

The outcome of my surgery is also out of my control. There are 2 scenarios once the surgeon operates on my knee. Best possible outcome is a repair. Worst possible outcome is a removal of the meniscus. I have done everything that I can to prepare – prayed, tried to take my thoughts captive (2 Cor. 5:10), contacted my prayer warrior friends, physical therapy, pre-ops, answered emails, returned calls, and a friend lined up meals and transportation for our daughter. But I can not control what happens once they start surgery.

Joshua 1:9 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong & courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And to that, tonight, I simply have to say AMEN!